Well, people, Dr. Matlock is giving marital advice again.
But in this case, the gal aint married yet!
Hmmmm….
Do I help a damsel in distress, or, do I help a man avoid the spider web that is euphemistically called “marriage?
Let’s see……
Dear Dr. Matlock:
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We get along fine, but I can’t get him to commit to a deeper relationship. I want to get married, but he’s says he’s happy the way things are now. My mother and my girlfriends all give me advice, and I’m confused. Help!
Single and Sad,
Scott, LA
Dear Single,
Part of your problem lies in the fact that you are getting your information about men from women. Most women have no idea what makes men tick, because what they know about men came from other women. You’ve finally come to the right place for understanding the male species, because it takes a man to understand a man, I don’t care what your girlfriends say. Ready for a good dose of reality? Okay, here goes….
As far as men are concerned, there are two types of women. 1—Women You Play With, and 2—Women You Stay With.
You are in one of these two categories, get it?
Don’t fool yourself!
As far as he’s concerned, you are either a Sleeper……….or a Keeper. Let me give you a description of Women You Play With, and Women You Stay With, then you can decide which one you are in his life. The nice thing about it is, you decide which category you will choose to remain in!
Just understand, in order to change category, you might have to change men.
Women You Play With, (aka “babes”, “tricks”, “hoes”, plus any number of less complimentary names), are like pool sticks or baseball bats. They’re designed for fun and games, depending on their quality. Since they are designed for fun and games, the best place to meet them are in local playgrounds (night clubs). The idea is, when you want to play baseball, you pick up a glove and bat, because, that’s what they’re designed for. Tennis? Pick up a racquet. Billiards? Pick up a pool stick. Want to play good time date and hot sex? Pick up a good time girl. Get it?
Then, when you’re finished, you put them down, or up, depending on how attached you are to them. If they’re for your own personal use, you put them up in their case for safekeeping. If not, you put them in the rack on the wall for the next man to use.
Same thing with Good Time Girl. If she’s of low quality, put her in your cell, and call her when you feel like playing again.
If she’s of high quality, give her a space in your life, and call her your girlfriend. Now, she’s available for fun 24/7.
But what about marriage, you ask? The answer is simple: What the heck for?
You don’t marry a Play Girl, you play with her. That is her function, nothing more, nothing less. Guys don’t marry their tennis racquets, do they? Geez! Stop asking silly questions!
Women You Stay With (aka “Keepers“) are a totally different breed of cat. Because they demand dignity and respect, they get it. Because they don’t tolerate being taken for granted, a good man won’t do that. Because a Keeper loves herself, and has a plan for her life, and a schedule to get there, (did you get that?), a good man will make whatever adjustments he needs to get and keep this woman in his life. He nails her down with a firm commitment, and works quickly to incorporate her in his life.
“Aint no mountain high enough, aint no valley low enough, aint no river wide enough, to keep me from youuuuuu…….”
That’s the mindset of a man who’s made a decision about his woman.
I need to backtrack a bit. You see, you’re the product of your female upbringing. When you were a girl, you were brought up playing a whole different set of games than little boys played. You played dolls, and house, and Barbie and tea parties, etc, etc. Your games were the cooperative, let’s-play-together type games.
Hopscotch.
Jump rope.
Baby dolls, with tea sets and teddy bears and stuffed animals as guests. Sweet, aint it?
That’s all well and good, but you better understand that boy’s games were different.
Vastly different.
When boys play games, they keep score.
Football? Touchdowns, field goals, safeties, extra points!
Basketball? Two points! Three points! Slam Dunk!
Baseball? First base, double, triple! Home run! Yaaaaay!
Boy’s games require scoring to be fun.
They also require clearly defined rules. Out of bounds! Double dribble! Clipping! Foul ball!
Scoring, and rules, that’s what boy’s games are all about, Boo.
So what does that mean for you?
Well, it’s simple, actually. You are in his life to the extent he sees you as either One To Play With, or One To Stay With.
A Keeper or a Sleeper. Which are you? Here’s how you know:
Keepers are treated differently from Sleepers, because the rules are different.
Sleepers are called when an itch needs to be scratched.
Keepers are called in and considered when a life decision needs to be made.
Sleepers are not called on during their time of the month. Who needs cramps and mood swings?
Keepers are kept close, no matter what day of the month, because he doesn’t want any other man to have access to the Keeper.
So what does he consider you to be?
Remember, men play by rules, and Rule # 1 is: Men identify what is theirs.
What does he refer to you as? When he introduces you to people who are important to him, what does he say you are?
Don’t get all girly here. Don’t try to examine and parse every syllable for a clue to what’s in his head. You don’t need a clue!
What he thinks about you will come directly out of his mouth!
If you’re “a friend of mine” or ‘my ‘ol girl”, then you’d better take a serious look at what you are to him, ‘cause he aint all that into you. When a man is casual about how he refers to you, you’re a Play Girl.
You said he’s satisfied with the way things are now? If you’re happy being his #1 Play Girl, fine. Don’t do anything different. Enjoy the dinner and dancing, and the sex. Just know that if/when he runs into a Woman You Stay With, you get kicked to the curb. Slowly, perhaps, but for kissing some concrete, smooch-smooch, Baby, smooch-smooch!
Don’t get mad, it’s what you settled for.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game. You’re a nice little pool stick, hang on the rack awhile, another man will pick you up.
Hopefully.
If you’re not happy, now is the time to make your move out of Playhood into Stayhood. The key word is “”availability.”
Playgirls are always available.
Always.
When you give off that “I’ll always be here for you” vibe, guess what? That’s the rule he’ll play by.
(Honey, stop watching the LifetimeChannel. That schit aint real. Trust me.)
StayGirls operate their lives on a schedule, and they aint hanging around waiting on a man to call them. You have to let him know what you want, and your timeframe for getting it, and, if he’s not on board with that, this train’s pulling out of the station. Choo-choo, baby, chooooo-chooooo!
The second thing you do to get out of Playland:
Close your legs.
Somebody wrote an excellent book on relationships called If You Want Closure, Start With Your Legs.
Good book. Read it!
As long as he’s getting sex anytime he wants it, you’re playing by his rules.
If you make yourself available to him 24/7, why in the world does he have to marry you?
Here’s a concept: Become unavailable. Close your legs. Turn off the tap.
What that does is flush him out, as far as his intentions are concerned. If he loves you, and wants to transfer you to Stayville, (good news! you can be transferred! Yaaaaaaaay! But, work quick. The clock is ticking!), he’ll do whatever it takes to get you there. If he just wants to play, he’ll say whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you playing, but his behavior will stay the same. Don’t pay attention to what he says, pay attention to what he does. Remember, a man who is committed to a woman will not let the grass grow under his feet, because a Keeper is too much in demand to stay on the market any length of time.
So, mamacita, it’s up to you!
Do what you gotta do, to be what you wanna to be!
African-American Culture 101 