Black Radar…..

Black Radar…

Now there’s a piece of technology you’ll never see.

Something a Black man could wear that makes him look White. Make it look like a cell phone, or, better yet, a Bluetooth earpiece. Turn it off while you’re at the pool hall or barbershop, but when you walk into the bank, press the button, and suddenly, Tyrone Johnson looks like Braham McGregor. Credit score goes up by 100 points, and the teller’ fingers don’t instinctively reach for the alarm button. Loan officer smiles, and reaches for the YES stamp on his desk, ‘cause this gentleman’s loan is approved.

What would we call it? Hmmmm……

We need a funky, hip name, something instantly cool to buy and carry.

BlacJac!!!

….. of course!

Kinda like “Blacula”, without the fangs…

Of course, we’d  simply call it “Jac.”

(We always trim the extra syllables, that’s how we roll.)

Retail price, $399.95, plus the cost of the monthly plan…

What?

Well, of course there’s a monthly plan involved! Whaddya think, pay once, and that’s it?

(White people…gotta love ’em!)

Just like every other piece of technology out there, there’s different monthly plans, depending on how many minutes per month you need.

From the “I just need 100 minutes per month, so I can go to the bank and shop in Dillard’s,” to the “I work at IBM, so you know I needs me an unlimited plan,” there’s something for everybody.

Of course, the BlacJac will come with different cool features, depending on model. The Basic BlacJac will “jac” you (hey, if you can “tweet,” we can “jac”) from Black to White. That’s it.

For $499.95, the BlacJac II will jac you from Black to White, or, to one more culture of your choice. Comes in handy, sometimes. Like when you go to Chin Lee’s for the Tuesday Wing Special, you’ll get real wings from a real chicken, not the…uh…never mind. What you don’t know won’t hurt you.

The BlacJac Elite, fondly known as the BlacJac Baller, or “Baller” for short, $599.99 (that’s why it’s called the “Baller.” The most expensive model is always called the “Baller.” That’s how we roll.) will instantly transport you to any race, creed, color, gender, culture, whatever you need to be here in America to smoothly and seamlessly blend in wherever you go. From Black to Asian to gay to Jewish to Pentecostal to handicapped to…whatever.

You White guys might want to get one, too. Comes in handy if you make a wrong turn and end up in Compton. For example……

Gangbanger: “Yo, homie, what set ya claim?”

Trevor: (hits switch) “Hoover Street Crips! Whatup, fool?”

Gangbanger: “Whatup, dog!”

The appropriate handshake takes place. (This Jac is amazing, aint it?)

Trevor: “I-45?”

(White people, note the brevity of the question. You people use way too many parts of speech to make a sentence. We find that annoying, which gets you in trouble in the first place. Black language is all about context. They are not on I-45, so obviously he wants to know where it is.

“I-45?”

See?

Simple, and concise. The only reason these blogs are so long is, I’m writing to White people.

Ebony Magazine blogs?

2 lines each.

Gangbanger: “Three blocks down, you know whut I’m sayin’? Hang a right, you know whut I’m sayin’? Go over the underpass, you know whut I’m sayin’? Take a left, and it’s on!”

(We use the phrase, “you know whut I’m sayin’?” to ensure clarity in our attempt at dialogue, It’s also part of Black Secret Code. None of your business what it means. Only those who need to know, know.)

Trevor: “All right, dog, later!”

The appropriate handshake takes place.  Two minutes later,Trevor re-enters his BMW without bloodshed…

Huh?

Two minute handshake? Yes, Trevor is in a hurry, so the Quick Dap is in order.

Whaddya mean, “Quick Dap”? Read the Black Lexicon, I don’t have time to explain “Dap” today! Geez! And y’all want to rule the world?

 

Autumn: “Trevor, honey, did you get the directions?”

Trevor: “What’ja think I was standin’ there, fo’, bit— wait, I forgot…”(hits switch) “Yes, dear, the African-American gentleman was very helpful. Turn up the stereo, I don’t want to miss this Beethoven selection. We’ll be on the Interstate in about five minutes!”

Autumn (squeezing Trevor’s arm, while imagining him with a deep tan and a ‘do rag) “Oh, Trevor, you’re amazing!”

 

Okay Donald Trump, I need some venture capital!

Whatup, fool???

Ha!

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Welcome, Class! (Part 2)

Welcome, Class!

I’ve posted this before in The Daily Advertiser, but I want the newbies to get up to speed, okay? Besides, some of you walked in late. As for YOU…

Congratulations! You’re learning Black Culture already!

Black Rule Number One?

Never arrive on time.

Makes you look needy, weak, and, well…White!

Ha!

Oh, be quiet!

What you’re getting from me today is basically a conversation I have held on many occasions with my friends, neighbors, and kinfolk, mostly Black, with a few Jews and Asians sprinkled in, kinda like oregano…

No, wait, that’s Italian….

Let’s see…sea salt and ginger???

Yeah, that’s it!

Now, I must warn you, it’s a slightly different conversation when White folks are sitting in.

Well, it is!

When a White boy is sitting in, there are some topics that just don’t come up, until and unless he is familiar enough to everybody there. Even with that, there are some words he better not say.

(One day I’ll explain why it’s marginally okay for Black people to use the so-called “n-word”, and Whites can’t. Actually, the “n-word”, for many of us, is already no longer in use and to tell the truth, it would have been banished into the Crypt of the Unspoken, had it not been for liberal White folks telling us we shouldn’t/couldn’t use it. You called us that for centuries, and some of you hard-core neocons still use it, but all of a sudden you get a bolus injection of social conscience, and you get to decide that it’s now verboten? Screw you, it’s not your call.)

But, fortunately, I’ve never had that problem with the friends I kick it with. I think it’s because of my age and temperament; the people I hang with are either approaching my level of maturity, or have already achieved it, and many of our issues are already resolved. We have a live-and-let-live outlook on life, because we realize that life’s too short to waste time and energy butting heads with people. Just live, learn, and enjoy your time on terra firma, or, as my Uncle Alfred called it, “Earf.”

In our community, there are several categories of weird people, all of whom we find interesting and amusing.

Don’t get mad at that, interesting and amusing is a good thing, it’s a vital component to being accepted.

Everybody’s known for something interesting and/or amusing, and, with us, anything not considered the norm is fair game for discussion and commentary.

When I say anything, I mean anything!

Physical attributes, emotional conditions, family issues, anything out of the norm can and will be talked about. We use a phrase, “keeping it real,” that describes this mindset: if you can’t be open and honest about any topic, shut the hell up while the grown folks talk. And, if a subject is too sensitive for you, we will condition you to the point where it doesn’t bother you to talk freely about it.

This is not mean or cruel. It’s part of our culture, where life’s a B, and only the strong survive. From the slave ship to the cotton fields, a weak slave was a dead slave. Massa’s whip was not politically correct. We’re a tough people, so if you want to hang in here, get used to it.

Okay?

I’ll tell you more…Thursday, maybe.

I’m a Black man. You can’t depend on me to be when or where I say I’ll be. Don’t worry, you’ll learn soon enough….

Ha!

Welcome To African-American 101!!!

Before we get started, let me say Welcome, class!!!

This is African-American 101, commonly called Soul 101, a class for White people to learn about Black Culture, where we answer the often unspoken question: Why do Black people act in such a strange fashion?

Huh? You with your hand up?

Whaddya mean, you’ve never asked that question???

That’s right, class, turn and take a look at this one! She is known as what we Black people call “a liar.”

Anybody else wanna shot at it?

I didn’t think so.

Now, where was I?

Feel free to comment, or ask questions, as you see fit, ‘cause that’s the way we roll around here. If and when you comment, I promise not to edit you, because literary freedom works both ways. (Of course, you cannot edit moi, but you knew that.) Enjoy yourself, and invite a friend (preferably White, but Wednesday is Mexican Day. Thursday’s Asian. They make the best hot wings.)

Those of you who remember me from The Daily Advertiser, (the local Lafayette, Louisiana newspaper), know I keep it real. That’s the problem some people over there had with me.

(Shrug.)

Instead of changing identities, and continuing to play in their sandbox, I decided to build my own. Sandbox, that is. This way, I can write what I want, and you can respond in kind.

Fair enough?

Good!

 

More later…