Hire Me! (if you dare…)

Want to sprinkle a little edgy (some say) humor in your blog? I’m your guy! Topics I prefer are: race relations, popular culture, and especially (drum roll….)

Relationships!

I love writing about the differences between men and women, and the dynamic those differences bring to relationships. A sample:

“…The Quick Shift must be practiced every day, preferably while she’s watching The Lifetime Channel. Believe it or not, those soapy tear-jerkers provide for plenty of opportunities for changing facial expression quickly.

The Movie of the Month: My Husband Winks At Our Babysitter: What Does That Mean? is great for training. (Don’t worry, you haven’t missed it. It’s going to come on 5 times this week, at least.)

I noted with satisfaction that both Females had entered into Estrogen Cycle One—“What Is It?” Other than making sure I said something significant that hadn’t occurred to either of them, I was in good shape. They say you can’t herd cats; I say you don’t have to, they do a pretty good job of it all by themselves…”

“…

Super Soul Sister sat, beaming with Expression # 52D—I Gots Me A White Man, while Skinny White Guy scurried around the table and found his chair.

My goodness. Front-row seating at a Swirl Event, although, technically speaking, (for you purists out there), a Reverse Swirl Event. Because normally, it’s Brudder Man With a White Woman.

Sidebar:

Reverse Swirl Events are rare, thankfully. Sisters aint quite there yet. Too many jealous girlfriends out there for a curious Black woman to feel enough courage to try them a little White meat.  But when they get tired of Leroy Fresh Outta Jail trying to flip them over to do some freaky jailhouse sex and giving them some alphabets they don’t need, like Hep B, or AIDS, or Leroy Fresh Outta Jail trying to reclaim his manhood, by beating a Black woman’s azz, well then maybe, juuuuust maybe, they’ll give Jared Whitemeat some play.

But I aint holding my breath…”

 

 

More??? Okay, sure!

 

 

“…My daughter pointed at our White neighbor down the street. “What is he doing, meditating?”

I shook my head. “No, baby, he’s barbecuing.”

Our neighbors, Robert and Lacy, had moved in about four months ago. They were nice and all, and we were glad they had bought the house, because it meant an instant 20% jump in our property values.

White folks have their uses, y’know.

The only bad thing about him is that he would do strange things in his front yard. Like, for instance, water his lawn…”

 

 

 

 

Plenty more where that came from!

 

I happen to be the author of two self-pubbed books; The Word Of The Lord Came Unto Me—Now What? an instructional book for young pastors/teachers; and He Wrestled With An Angel, a mystery novel of the Old South, both by Outskirts Press.

http://www.amazon.com/Nat-Hime/e/B003T9R66K/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1364572812&sr=1-2-ent

I am presently working on several new novels, including an urban recreation of the Bible, as well as a collection of short stories set in the Old South. Yeah, I’m a little busy, but I always have time for my adoring (cough, cough!) public…..

To contact me concerning prices (a hint: you get a 50% discount on the first assignment), please contact me @ revmatthews@yahoo.com OR (337) 783-1657.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JWF23K4

 

Cane Creek Chronicles @

http://www.amazon.com/Tales-From-Creek-Keith-Matthews-ebook/dp/B00JWF23K4/ref=sr_1_fkmr3_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1398718488&sr=8-3-fkmr3&keywords=Cane+Creek+kindle+book

 

Update: It’s published! Yaaaaaay!

 

Here’s an exerpt:

 

 

“…I don’t know if it was the VA or Social Security, I just know that Muh took care of him the best she knew how. It was kind of hard on her, because he had a bad drinkin’ habit. You know how some people drink social-like, sittin’ around a table chattin’, playin’ dominoes or some such, with a beer, or a fifth amongst friends? Well, no, Uncle Hime wasn’t a social drinker, no sir. And he didn’t waste time with beer. Nope, Uncle Hime was a T&T man, and he didn’t believe in sharing the bottle. When he made a purchase, that bottle of White Port was his, and his alone…”

 

 

Thanks for reading my blog!

km

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