Warning! WARNING!! WARNING!!!!!!!
YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER!!!
Hello, White People! I’ve been a bit busy, telling you a few stories of my childhood.
It occurs to me, you have an immediate danger you must attend to!
“Who, me?” you say, a bit puzzled.
YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER!!!
“Why?” you ask, innocently.
Boy, are you dumb!
Didn’t you know that strange smell coming from next door? And the smoke???
It’s cooking, you ninny! Your new neighbors are Black people!
Black people cook their food!
And they use…salt!
Onions, and garlic, and bell peppers, and…seasonings!
Boy, are you in for a shock.
And it’s too late to do anything about it.
You see, when Barak Obama won that last election, Black people got bold. Got the idea that they could live anywhere their money could pay for.
But, fret not, I will guide you through the assorted traps and pitfalls of living next to Black People (also known as “them”), starting with What Words Never To Use (WWNTU)…
“WWNTU”…sounds like an African tribe, don’t it? The Wwntu (pronounced “woo-WOON-too) tribe comes from the deep, dark jungle of Africa, where the antelope don’t play. The Wwntu will bust yo’ AZZ, trust me.
The Number One WWNTU you must never say, even by accident, to a Black person, is, of course, “Beer in the ice chest, help yourself!”
Whaddya mean, “What’s wrong with that?”
Are you crazy?
You really, really need my help. I ought’a charge you for this, but I won’t. (I know, being charged for something gives it a certain patina that White people find reassuring, but you’ve got Negroes living next to you, so you got to get used to free stuff. You just do.)
If you act the fool and tell your new Black neighbors the word “free beer,” you will soon be introduced to all, and I mean all their relatives, whose combined name is “Pookie Nem.”
Who is Pookie Nem, you ask? Well, my Anglo-Saxon Caucasian friend, Pookie Nem is all of your new neighbor’s relatives, friends, and who happens to be in their vicinity @ the moment. That number can be anywhere from 5 to 35, during the week, and, on the weekend?
Well…let’s not go there. Just keep in mind your ice chest has limited capacity, and, once you utter those fateful words, Pookie Nem expects you to keep it full! If you don’t, expect Pookie to open the lid, stir his hand around, and say, “Hey, man, this thang is empty!” And, of course, look at you to fill it.
Don’t look for Pookie to contribute. That aint why he’s there. He’s there because, you opened your mouth like a dummy and said, well, you know what you said.
One think you need to know about Pookie.
Pookie stays broke.
Don’t believe me, ask the electric company.
And the water company.
And the gas company.
Not the grocery store. Pookie got stamps for that, trust me.
“Why don’t he buy beer with his stamps?” you ask?
He does, you nit.
You are dumb! Pookie aint buying beer to put in your ice chest. If he does, he will be forced to take your ice chest home with him, and, from that point on, your ice chest becomes his ice chest.
Pookie say: Possession is 9/10ths of the law.
Pookie knows the law, but that’s another story … Ha!