…Oh, it got him some lovin’ that night, but he forgot Man Law #22:
Women Talk To Other Women About Their Men.
So, of course, the next day, Dave’s wife was full to bursting about this significant and juicy bit of news, and couldn’t wait to jump on the telephone and talk about her husband’s lachrymal response to “My Boyfriend Is Stalking My Babysitter.” By noon, all of the wives in our circle had been notified, and therefore, bound by Federal law to discuss it in person.
“Nice steaks, Davie,” I said, cutting into a juicy, medium rare T-bone, “real tender.”
“Thanks, Matt,” he replied, “The secret’s in the rub.”
“It must be nice to have a man who doesn’t mind cooking at a moment’s notice,” my wife piped up. I gave her a look. That was gonna cost her next week, for sure.
Dave’s wife, Millicent, was beaming. “Yes, Dave is such a help. But what I love about him is the way he supports me emotionally.”
“Oh?” said Tim, a cross-country truck driver. “How so, Millicent?” He stuck his pinky finger out as he sipped his beer.
In case you didn’t know it, “Oh?” is like a trigger on a machine gun, as far as female conversation goes. When you pull it, be prepared for the outburst that’s sure to follow. Millicent was filled to the rim with information, feelings, and emotions about poor Dave’s recent behavior, and she had a ready audience waiting to hear all the intimate details.
Not the women, you ninny, the men!
It’s so easy to embarrass your husband, ladies. Just expose his secret to other men, and you will have created a red-faced man, filled with shame, who will be very reluctant to reveal anything to you, ever again, I promise you.
“He wept, and I shared my Kleenex with him,” Millicent was working on her third minute, telling us about Dave’s moist little moment. He tried to look proud, but he wasn’t fooling me none. It’s hard to sit there and be manly when your wife is telling other men how you sobbed during a chick flick…
“My goodness, that is so beautiful,” my wife said, her eyes getting misty. Then she frowned. “I can’t get this man here,” she said, jerking her thumb in my direction, “to sit and watch Lifetime with me. As soon as he sees that logo, he pulls out his laptop and buries his head in it.”
“That’s right,” I said, folding my arms in the default I Am A Man position. “I pulls my laptop out, until I can pull out something else.”
“And bury your head in something else,” chirped up Tim, the local Wal-Mart manager.
“There ya go,” I replied, leaning over to slap his hand.
“Humph,” my wife said, in a no-love-for-you-tonight tone.
That was okay. Sometimes you have to take a hit for the team. Besides, that last little crack of hers had re-established my manhood to the rest of the group, no small feat in itself. For the rest of the meal, I was Da Man!
When we got home, of course, my wife tried to get on me for it. “What was that all about?” she asked.
Time for another default Man Position, #16, Total Ignorance.
“What?” I responded.
“You know what,” she said, using the tried-and-true Female Tactic # 33, The Pick-and-Roll, “you know precisely what I’m talking about.”
The Pick-and-Roll is designed to make you pick something you feel guilty about, then roll with that, hence the name. The inherent trap in it is, if you pick the thing she actually was talking about, her response will be, “See? You knew what I was talking about, you were just playing crazy!” (Which, of course, is true, but that’s not the point.), and from that moment on, you’re on the defensive, a losing position 99.3% of the time.
If you pick another topic, all you’ve done is give her another point of attack:
“No, you know that aint what I was talking about, you tryin’ to play crazy, but, since you brought that up, yada yada yada…”
And there you go. The little housefly is trapped in a verbal web, helpless.
So what did I do?
Maintain #16: Total Ignorance:
“Well, I wish you’d tell me what’s in your mind, so we can discuss it.”
See how that works? It’s the only response to the Pick-and-Roll, make her bring it up, so you can play defense….
No, Rookie, I didn’t say be on the defensive, I said play defense!
You haven’t read Matlock’s Guide, have you?
No wonder you’re confused.
Read Chapter 3, A Good Defense Is A Great Offense, and learn the subtleties of verbal byplay with your wife. In a nutshell, being defensive gives her conversational control, being on defense gives you control!
Let me finish this part. I had used 3 key words, “tell me”, and “discuss.” Irresistible to the female ear, these words invite Ms. Estrogen to to do the thing she has been constructed to do: talk.
Note: You do know that the word “discuss” does not mean that you will be invited to actually participate in the conversation, don’t you? Your job will be to:
A–come to the sudden realization that she’s right, and
B–agree with her.
Just so you know.
“I’m talking about,” she answered, rolling her eyes, “that whole ‘until I can pull out something else’ crack you made, in front of people, too! Why you want to say some schit like that? Huh? Why? How you think that made me feel? How you think yada yada yada, blah blah blah…”
An interruption was necessary here, because if I didn’t, I would be the recipient of a woman’s most powerful weapon, Everything You Have Done Wrong For The Past Quarter Century.
Powerful and deadly, E.Y.H.D.W. is the kill shot used by women most often, and requires a quick reaction/counterstrike.
I stopped, and held her hand. “I wanted them all to know,” I said, looking deeply in her eyes, “how much I enjoy our love life. I may have not used the right words, but the feelings were there. If I embarrassed you by telling our friends how I feel, I’m sorry.”
Well, fellas, no need to tell you how that night ended, do I?
Of course not…
Like I said, I’m Da Man!