How to Act @ A Black BBQ

To all my White people out there who have been reading this blog, thirsting for knowledge about your new Black neighbors, whose strange and mysterious ways leave you befuddled, I apologize. We got a little sidetracked, talking about Black Church. If you missed it, click this:

https://revmatthews.wordpress.com/2013/05/15/black-church-part-one/

Once again, I, your instructor, and Official HNIC of this class, do humbly apologize……..well, not humbly. Screw that.

Y’all should’a got your fill of “humble” back in the day.

Anyway, let me apologize for not fulfilling the premise of this blog, which is, to help you understand the ways of Black people, and bridge the gap of ignorance that exists, so that you will know exactly why it aint cool to bring quiche to the BBQ your new neighbor Leroy invited you to.

(Don’t get mad, Black people, @ my using the moniker “Leroy.” I have to start this class slow and simple, and besides, let’s keep it real. When you hear the name Leroy, the first thing you imagine is a sweaty nigga with a Jheri. And a gold tooth. You know I’m right, so quit that.)

Huh?

You didn’t know quiche was verboten @ a Black BBQ?

(Black folk: “verboten” means “forbidden” in German. FYI.)

You do NOT bring quiche to a Black BBQ. If you do, three things will happen:

1–Your dish will be prominently displayed on the sides table, next to the mac & cheese and the potato salad.

2–You will hear the question asked over and over, “What is that schit?”

3–You will hear the host(ess) repeat, over and over, in response to the above question, “I don’t know what that schit is! Ask him!” Then,

3a–The host’s finger will point @ you. Making you, of course…

3b–Extremely self-conscious, even more so than just being The Only White Person There.

Black people, please, please try to avoid the above situation. I’m not talking about the quiche, that’s something White people just do. And, yes, I know, there are one or maybe two Black people who actually eat quiche, but you do have the good sense to do that schit behind closed doors. And, you don’t be bringing that schit to people’s house, unless they ask you to. I’m talking about inviting just one White guy or White couple to your party.

You know that’s just wrong.

I know, it’s a source of amusement, watching the Only White Person (OWP) clumsily walking around with a Schlitz Malt Liquor in his hand, trying to fit in. Then, after a few, he starts giving everybody high fives, and then, then, OWP turns into OMG!

Why? You know why!

He starts to dance! Jerkin’ and twitchin’ all over the floor, Kinda like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_h7hBASK0gA

and then, your Cousin Junebug starts egging him on, and they form a circle around him with your niece Trudy With The Big Ol’ Booty……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcrnxTYgPXQ

Just writing about it makes me want to invite a few people over…

But, we must resist the impulse to invite just one.

No, it aint right!

Remember when you got invited to an White event, and you realized you were the Official Invited-Nigga-So-I-Can-Feel Good-About-My-Whiteness? And you had to slog your way through warm Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and unseasoned food? And the music…..no.

I refuse to go into the music.

But, you get my point. Invite more than one.

But, you may ask, how many?

The proper ratio, according to the Official HNIC Handbook, is, and I quote, “…one White person for every 12 Black people.”

Can’t go wrong there. That’s enough to keep an eye on ‘em and still have a good time….

Huh?

You White people didn’t know we had an Official Handbook?

We talked about this! You’ve forgotten already???

Click here: https://revmatthews.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/proper-white-behavior-around-black-folks/

Sigh……

A Black man’s work is never done….

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Thanks for this light-hearted share brothah! 🙂

    Amirah
    http://www.AmirahBFit.com

    Reply

  2. I have frequently been the OWP, but I never brought a quiche. I did bring a very expensive personally selected cheese plate once (Roquefort, Stilton, a variety of expensive sheep’s milk cheeses, an English blue cheddar, you know, a really expensive, I am-not-white-trash kind of deal), and it went exactly as you described. There was one woman who had a cheesy dream world of a night, but most people thought I was insane. I have been sufficiently traumatized not to dance in front of African-Americans, but you did forget the college-aged agitator in training who relentlessly tries to draw the OWP into a controversial subject. Luckily I took a few Africana studies courses back at Cornell so usually the night ends with Mr. baby-agitator asking me if I can be a reference, but he is definitely an archetype worth including.

    Reply

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