Black Church, Part 4

Black Church, Part 4


Here’s a Little Known Fact: Not all Black people can sing.


Yes, you heard me!


Oh, I know that goes against everything you’ve been taught all your lives, but not all Black folks can sing. Let me explain…


Way back in slavery times, when we gathered around the front porch in the evening to sing to Massa, there was always one mo’fo’ in the bunch who couldn’t carry a tune, but he wanna stand in front and sing real loud, so Massa can hear him. Rest of the slaves know that if Massa hear his azz, everybody gotta go back in the cotton field and chop, and take a couple’a licks to take with ‘em, so they try to shush him up.


Things aint changed much, in every choir there’s a nigga that can’t sing. Nowhere in the Bible do it say that the Lord closes His eyes, but there’s plenty of spots where He closes His ears. When Sister Brown step up to the mike, the Lord sticks both His finger in His ears, real deep, and says, “Gabriel, please tell Me when Bernice finish that song!”


Don’t believe me?


Okay, here’s a sample:


I know, I know, it’s kinda disconcerting, hearing her wail like that, sounds like a cat getting’ electrocuted, all you’re missing is the sparks and the smoke. One day I’ll tell you why Rev. let her sing, but that’s another story. Anyway, just nod your head like it sound good, but don’t clap too much, she’ll get happy and want to sing another verse…..huh?


Get happy?


I forgot, White people don’t get happy. Well, some of your way-out Pentecostals, you know, those snake-handling mo’fo’s, be dancing with them rattlesnakes in their hands, because Jesus said Christians could take up snakes and no harm would come from it….


I don’t think Jesus meant to pick ‘em up. Just if you happened to run across one, it wouldn’t harm you, but Jesus did not mean, “Go pick one up and take it to church with you and dance and sing with the mo’fo,”….no, He did NOT say that.


Some of you White people always want to take something too far.


Like bungee jumping. You don’t see niggas bungee jumping. As if a nigga gonna hook a rubber band on his azz and jump off a cliff. That’s White boy action, pure and simple.


“Dude, I’m gonna hook a rubber band on my hiney, and jump off this cliff!”


“Go for it, man!”


Any time you hear, “Go for it, man!” it’s a White boy, telling another White boy to do something stupid, trust me.


Back to what I was saying. You people don’t get happy in church. You weep silently, maybe, twist your handkerchief if it get really good to you, but you don’t get funky with your emotions in church.


We do.


Why, you ask?


It’s just a fundamental difference in our respective cultures. White people use church as a place to get it all together, and we use it as a place to let it all hang out. Y’all like quiet, dignified church, but us?


The noisier, the better. Church aint church, unless we cuttin’ up. We jump and holler, because that’s what good church is. So don’t act shocked if somebody get happy and fall out, and they throw a sheet over ‘em. That’s to keep it decent. Some deacons sitting on the front row like to look. White people don’t need sheets, ‘cause aint nobody falling out, and even if they do, y’all fall so dignified

and proper—why y’all do that? Just lean back with your arms folded and fall back, with an “Ahhhhhh!”


With catchers, no less. Somebody standing there ready to catch you and eeasssse yo’ butt to the floor, so you don’t bump nothing on the way down.


Black people?


We fall out, and the rule is, if you hurt yourself, you was faking the Spirit anyway.

So if you get hurt playing with the Spirit, that’s good for your azz. Next time, don’t fake it. We throw a sheet over you, if we can catch you, so nobody can see the rip in your drawers.


I aint making fun, I’m just sayin’….


Good, she’s finished. Stand up, it’s the Hymn of Preparation. Rev.’s getting ready to preach….





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