Black Church, Part 2

Black Church, Part 2


“Swing down, sweet chariot, stop and let me riiiiide!

Swang down, sweet chariot, stop and let me riiiide!”


Okay Becky, stand up! You too, Autumn! Move to the music, side to side…that’s it!


Wait, don’t clap!


You didn’t hear me earlier? Just sway….and don’t do that Batman mask thing…


Why do y’all White people do that? It’s okay in the honky-tonk, I suppose, but not in church!


Anyway, just sway……there ya go!


“Swing down, sweet chariot, stop and let me riiiiide! 

Swang down, sweet chariot, stop and let me riiiide!”


Music is an integral part of Black Church. Matter of fact, most of us go to Church for the music, and if the preaching is good, that’s just frosting on the cake.


Now, I got to tell you, there are a few dysfunctional folk that make up the choir, that’s just how it is. Let me explain…


You see, Satan, way back when he was called Lucifer, was the leader of the choir. Best gig in Heaven, he just had to do 3 sets a day, new outfit each set. Pretty little cherubim singing backup, all he had to do was show up and sing to the Big 3. Problem was, he just couldn’t stand having to stand up while They sat down.

(You know niggas, always want what they can’t have.)


See, if he joined the Big 3, it wouldn’t be the Big 3, it would be the Big 4, and that wouldn’t do, not a-tall. So, Luce did a little plotting in the background, got a few of the angels to hook up with him, try to do a drive-by on Jesus, but….well….you know how that was gonna go. Jesus holla @ his boy Michael the archangel, and that was a wrap. Michael and his boys put their foot in Luce’s azz, and he’s been catchin’ Hell ever since.


So, now, the choir is where you find the talented folk, but they all got issues.


Piano player….his name’s Percy.

Percy the Piano player. Now you know that boy got issues, don’t you?

He can play, now, make that piano jump! But, uh, he got…uh…how do I put this politely….he got man issues.


Yeah, you heard right.


Man issues.


He likes men.


White men.


We don’t say much about it, because the boy can play, but every now and then, he let it slip that his “friend” is a member of the Caucasian Persuasion, ‘cuz he say stuff like, “My friend Raaaa-ndy,” you know, he draw out the a’s on ‘Raaaa-ndy’ for about five seconds or so, make you want to put your foot in his azz, make him pronounce it right, “My friend Raaaa-ndy made the most de-lish crepes Suzette last night,” and you stand there just wishing that Suzette was a big-titty blonde instead of some flat old pancakes, you know what I mean? But you can’t say nothing about it, cuz you’re in church, and thinking about Suzette and her big titties aint right in church. Besides, you can forget about Percy giving up Randy, because Randy got something big, too.


His feet.


Randy wears a size 15 shoe.

And you know how that is, White boy with a big…foot…is hard to find.

Percy aint going nowhere, ‘cause Percy in love. Walk in church every Sunday, limping to the organ, if you know what I mean, and the harder he limp, the better he play…




I aint lying!

Okay, I’ll leave that alone. But I’m just saying…..




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