Proper White Behavior Around Black Folks

Guess what?

White people didn’t know we had an Official Handbook.

I aint lyin’!

I think I’ve found the source of our problem between the races.

White people don’t know that we have Standard Operating Procedure.

How they missed it, I have no idea. But, you know White people, unless we’re singing, dancing or otherwise acting the fool, they don’t pay any attention to us.

Why do you think they were so shocked when Obama won? Both times?

Remember, back in ’07, when Hillary was prancing around like she was Queen For A Day, smiling and grinning for the cameras like a chimp on crack? She just knew she had the nomination sewed up. Then here comes this big-eared junior Senator from Chicago, just one state away from Dan Quayle…

By the way, where is that sumbit, anyway? Probably in a library somewhere, looking up just who in the hell was John Kennedy!


But, as is the case so often in these pages, I digress. What was I talking about, anyway, Autumn?


That’s right, Standard Operating Procedure. Just checking to see if you’re paying attention. White girls have trouble focusing, y’know. And, BTW, why is it that all the romance novels have pictures of White guys on the cover? Y’all know doggone good and well when you’re sitting at home, reading that paperback, looking all misty-eyed, you got a brother on your mind.

Love’s Tender Fury, yeah right.

Brother’s Outta Kool-Aid, Get to Steppin’ is more like it.

Speaking of Kool-Aid, a couple of y’all flunked last week’s pop quiz. Leaving one inch of sugar at the bottom of the pitcher will get you an automatic “F”.

You’re supposed to leave two inches! And it’s supposed to be sweet! What if you want to make a cold cup with it later?

Boy, I tell you, the more I teach you, the dumber you get!

Where was I?

Standard Operating Procedure.

We call it “sop” for short.

One of the beautiful things about BlackSpeak is that we shorten everything.

I don’t understand how in the world White people didn’t know about sop. We are always asking for and aware of any updates and changes to Standing Operating Procedure.

Let me explain: When two White people greet each other, they say, “How do you do?”

Not us.

When two Black people greet each other, the first thing we want to know is “Has there been any major changes in Standing Operating Procedure?’ But, that’s way too many syllables, so we just say, “Whassop?”

And, the usual response is, “Nothin’”, or any of the (at last count) 1,345 derivatives, such as, “Aint nothin’, man”, or, “You got it, Bro.,” or, one of the Old School responses, “Everythang is everythang,” all of which simply means, “Standard Operating Procedure is unchanged as of this moment, but be alert.”

You see, White people, Standard Operating Procedures are taught to Black children at an early age. While you were teaching your kids which fork to use, and how to separate the paper from the plastic, we were teaching them what was “sop”. For example, after church @ Sunday dinner, we’d say: “That Reverend Kimble, he think he slick! Nigga done raised the main offering, now he trying to raise one ‘for the po’ chirren in Haiti.’ Humph! Po’ chirren in Haiti, my foot! He done started foolin’ around wit’ Sister Brown’s gal, you know, the one with the watermelon azz! She be swishin’ ’round chu’ch in that too-tight usher uniform with the print of her drawers showin’, azz so big, she be swattin’ flies with it! Then, then, she always got to hand him some note, or a fan, or somethin’, bendin’ that big azz over right in the deacons’ face! Deacon Bellard, po’ thing, his wife died last year, he be watchin’ her, head be bobbin’ like a bulldog on a dashboard, then he caint stand up straight to pray! Well, anyway, Rev. just bought hisself a new car, and somebody gotta pay the note, but I be damn if it’s us! Chirren, when they pass that basket the second time, keep yo’ money in yo’ pocket, y’ hear? Haiti chirren that hungry, they can come over here to eat!”

Like I said, we teach our children “whassop.”

Oh, that reminds me, class. We’re taking a field trip  one day next week. If you’re going to learn anything about Black Culture, I have to take you to Black Church. So, next class period, ladies, be sure to wear your floppy hat, and men, two-toned shoes are a must! No, you cannot wear blue jeans! You goin’ to Church!



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