Archive for March, 2013

Welcome! (Part 4)

 

Where was I? Oh, the “down-lo” brother….

If/when he’s discovered by the general population, he immediately loses status, and after the shock and scandal wears off, he falls into the level of the common gay male. You’d be surprised at who the down-lo brothers are. We think Oprah’s fiancée is one. He may not be but he’s charged with it. There are a few others, but you don’t really need to know. Public “outing” falls into the category of snitching, so you have to be kinda careful with that.

(We’re allergic to snitches. For the most part, anyway. Unless it’s for the good of the neighborhood, like snitching on BS wannabe gangbangers who terrorize perfectly good neighborhoods. One day, I’ll talk about that, but not today.)

Personally, I have been friends with a couple of guys who I found out later was on the down-lo. This was years ago, before the term came into use. Once I found out, it didn’t make a difference to me, I raised an eyebrow at my first hearing about it, and waited to see how long it would take for them to tell me. They never did, I never brought it up. One of them, his bootie buddy (add that to your lexicon, it refers to his secret partner. It’s not a negative term, just a descriptive one.) claims another set (runs in a different circle of friends.

Why didn’t I just say that?

Teaching you the language of your  President’s culture. That’s why I’m here, remember? I know I tend to jump subjects a bit, like I told you earlier, it’s a conversation we’re having, with a roomful of brothers. If you’re not used to it, you tend to get lost. Take a deep breath, and focus.)

Second category: the bisexual. No nickname, per se, he just “goes both ways.” You wiggle your hand while saying it. Watch an old episode of Sanford and Son, Redd Foxx does it perfectly.

Sidebar: SAS was one of the last TV shows to use the n-word in prime time. It wasn’t in the script, Redd had a delightfully bad habit of ad-libbing without warning. You can tell when he would do it, LaWanda Paige (Esther) was the only one who could keep a straight face. Rollo and Lamont would sit on the sidelines and laugh thier butts off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ab9plpNU3tE     (See?)

Speaking of LaWanda, one of the funny ironies of SAS was the fact that she played the strait-laced character Esther the Church Woman. Back in the 60’s, LaWanda produced the raunchiest so-called “party records” with old-school comics Pigmeat Markham and Dolemite. When I say raunchy, I mean triple-XXX with a twist. She’d say stuff that would make a pimp blush. I wish I could include a line or two, but all I could type would be asterisks. Malaaco Records redid them all in CD format, do a Google search if you want one. “The Signifying Monkey” is a good one to begin with. But, make sure your kids are at the babysitter’s.

What does all of this have to do with bisexuals? Nothing, they’re not a big deal where we are concerned. (There’s not much to say about them, so I’m using this space for filler.) One of my old friends happens to be one. When he’s in a relationship with a female, he dresses in jeans and khakis. When he’s with a male, he wears tweeds and silk blends. And a hat. One of you guys who have some insight into this, please explain it to me? I have no clue as to why. I asked him once, he answered me, but I still don’t get it. You straight guys, put your hand down, you don’t know, either.

Some Black women really go for bi-guys: there’s actually two schools of thought. Some females have that old mother instinct, the idea that states, “He just needs a good woman, somebody that understands his issues.”

 

Uh-huh.

 

Yeah, right.

Other, more honest females, come right out with it. Let me quote one: “A man that can make another man holler? Bro. Man can butter my biscuit any time he wants to.”

‘Nuff said.

 

More later…..

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Welcome! (Part 3)

We find gay people interesting. And, to a great extent, amusing. Remember what we said last time? Anything out of the ordinary? Well, this definitely falls into that category, trust me. If that makes you uncomfortable, oh, well. We’re not here for your comfort; we are here to inform you. Now, do you want to know about the Black community, or what?

 

All right, then. Leave your politically correct attitude @ the door; we don’t play that here.

Let’s start with the “down-lo” brother, or, equally correct, the “brother on the down-lo.” This is the closeted bisexual, who lives a normal life as a straight man, usually with a wife or girlfriend(s), but has secret relationships with other bi or gay male(s). Don’t let the word “secret” fool you. It doesn’t necessarily mean “unknown,” but it must mean “discreet.” His gay behavior can range from spending his weekends or a certain day of the week immersing himself in hit-it-and-quit-it relationships, all the way up to an exclusive relationship with another down-lo brother, who will be seen publicly as a best friend or comrade. Some people who know him well may be aware of his down-lo status, but never his wife or girlfriend.

The key word here is “lo.” He can’t flaunt his gayness, he must always appear masculine. I know, gay does not necessarily mean unmasculine. I’m aware of that. But, with us, appearance is important, and to the wife/girlfriend of the down-lo brother, he must appear to be straight, especially in public. Even more so if she’s unaware that he’s bi. There is nothing, nothing more humiliating to a Black woman to find out her man is cheating on her with another man.

Some of you don’t believe me, but I’m serious.

I’ve been married for over twenty years, and I have never cheated on my wife. If I ever did, depending upon who the woman was, and the conditions surrounding my infidelity, I might be able to remain married to her.

But sleep with a man?

We’d be the lead story on the 10:00 news:

“Local woman arrested today for attempted second-degree murder, after shooting her husband twelve times in the behind, pouring bleach on his entire wardrobe, then setting his car on fire…”

Seriously. And, at the trial, the D.A. better not allow any Black females on the jury, either. I can see the post-trial interview now:

“Moneshia Johnson, you were the lone hold-out on the jury. You kept them deliberating for three days, until they saw it your way. The defendant admitted to shooting the man twelve times, still you refused to find her guilty. Any comments?”

“Humph!” (when a Black woman starts a sentence with “Humph!” look out…)

“She caught him sleeping with a man? She let him off easy, far as I’m concerned! That would’a been me, his azz would still be smokin’… Yada—yada—yada…”

You get the idea.

Now, how does the down-lo brother arrange for his tête-à-tête? Usually, he has a hobby or club activity set/scheduled on a certain day, something his woman can’t/doesn’t participate in, but won’t arouse suspicion, like a chess club, or poker night with the boys, Monday Night Football, anything where he is expected to come in late. He goes out, does his thing, and comes back in, and everything is cool. All of the other parts of his life are normal, including his sex life with his woman. That’s important, because any deviation from the norm invites suspicion. Not only that, but if somebody would be so uncool as to try to pull his wife’s coat, it’s his best defense against accusation. I mean, if he’s tapping her four, five times a week, it would be hard for somebody to make her even listen to the possibility he was on the down-lo in the first place.

(Yes, four or five is an acceptable average. Not Shaft-level, but acceptable. No wonder Blondie’s wearing braids now. She has discovered the Brother Lode.)

Black men who successfully live this lifestyle have a certain level of respect by those who know their secret, due to their ability to keep it all together. Standing rule in the Black community: no matter what you’re into, whether it be legitimate enterprise or mass murder, handle your business. Or, as we say in the South, hannel yo’ bitness….

 

More later!

Welcome, Class! (Part 2)

Welcome, Class!

I’ve posted this before in The Daily Advertiser, but I want the newbies to get up to speed, okay? Besides, some of you walked in late. As for YOU…

Congratulations! You’re learning Black Culture already!

Black Rule Number One?

Never arrive on time.

Makes you look needy, weak, and, well…White!

Ha!

Oh, be quiet!

What you’re getting from me today is basically a conversation I have held on many occasions with my friends, neighbors, and kinfolk, mostly Black, with a few Jews and Asians sprinkled in, kinda like oregano…

No, wait, that’s Italian….

Let’s see…sea salt and ginger???

Yeah, that’s it!

Now, I must warn you, it’s a slightly different conversation when White folks are sitting in.

Well, it is!

When a White boy is sitting in, there are some topics that just don’t come up, until and unless he is familiar enough to everybody there. Even with that, there are some words he better not say.

(One day I’ll explain why it’s marginally okay for Black people to use the so-called “n-word”, and Whites can’t. Actually, the “n-word”, for many of us, is already no longer in use and to tell the truth, it would have been banished into the Crypt of the Unspoken, had it not been for liberal White folks telling us we shouldn’t/couldn’t use it. You called us that for centuries, and some of you hard-core neocons still use it, but all of a sudden you get a bolus injection of social conscience, and you get to decide that it’s now verboten? Screw you, it’s not your call.)

But, fortunately, I’ve never had that problem with the friends I kick it with. I think it’s because of my age and temperament; the people I hang with are either approaching my level of maturity, or have already achieved it, and many of our issues are already resolved. We have a live-and-let-live outlook on life, because we realize that life’s too short to waste time and energy butting heads with people. Just live, learn, and enjoy your time on terra firma, or, as my Uncle Alfred called it, “Earf.”

In our community, there are several categories of weird people, all of whom we find interesting and amusing.

Don’t get mad at that, interesting and amusing is a good thing, it’s a vital component to being accepted.

Everybody’s known for something interesting and/or amusing, and, with us, anything not considered the norm is fair game for discussion and commentary.

When I say anything, I mean anything!

Physical attributes, emotional conditions, family issues, anything out of the norm can and will be talked about. We use a phrase, “keeping it real,” that describes this mindset: if you can’t be open and honest about any topic, shut the hell up while the grown folks talk. And, if a subject is too sensitive for you, we will condition you to the point where it doesn’t bother you to talk freely about it.

This is not mean or cruel. It’s part of our culture, where life’s a B, and only the strong survive. From the slave ship to the cotton fields, a weak slave was a dead slave. Massa’s whip was not politically correct. We’re a tough people, so if you want to hang in here, get used to it.

Okay?

I’ll tell you more…Thursday, maybe.

I’m a Black man. You can’t depend on me to be when or where I say I’ll be. Don’t worry, you’ll learn soon enough….

Ha!

Welcome To African-American 101!!!

Before we get started, let me say Welcome, class!!!

This is African-American 101, commonly called Soul 101, a class for White people to learn about Black Culture, where we answer the often unspoken question: Why do Black people act in such a strange fashion?

Huh? You with your hand up?

Whaddya mean, you’ve never asked that question???

That’s right, class, turn and take a look at this one! She is known as what we Black people call “a liar.”

Anybody else wanna shot at it?

I didn’t think so.

Now, where was I?

Feel free to comment, or ask questions, as you see fit, ‘cause that’s the way we roll around here. If and when you comment, I promise not to edit you, because literary freedom works both ways. (Of course, you cannot edit moi, but you knew that.) Enjoy yourself, and invite a friend (preferably White, but Wednesday is Mexican Day. Thursday’s Asian. They make the best hot wings.)

Those of you who remember me from The Daily Advertiser, (the local Lafayette, Louisiana newspaper), know I keep it real. That’s the problem some people over there had with me.

(Shrug.)

Instead of changing identities, and continuing to play in their sandbox, I decided to build my own. Sandbox, that is. This way, I can write what I want, and you can respond in kind.

Fair enough?

Good!

 

More later…